This too shall pass...

I should have known that the week after the time change would be tough. Ever since we sprang ahead I have had gut pain, and anxiety. Two days into the week I was already at Friday-level exhaustion, and this morning I was crying at school before I even had my coat off. For no real reason other than my general gloom, I felt like nothing I do matters, that I am wasting my time and my energy and ruining my health on something that nobody appreciates or cares about. And for once it wasn’t about “them”, it was about me.

Happy is overrated. Not that I don’t love being happy, but I can’t pinpoint why I’m sad today or maybe I can. I think I’m probably just tired, my body is rebelling, and my soul is trying to tell me that after being “up” all week it’s okay to relax a bit. There is amazing freedom that infuses my frame when I give myself permission to be down, to have a down day. There’s nothing unspiritual about it, nothing to fix, nothing to confess or beat myself up about. I’m just down. This too, shall pass. I have God’s permission to be human.

The alternative, of course, is to be sad that I’m sad—which would double my emotional weight or I could worry about being sad, obsess about being sad, lament being sad—none of which changes anything and just complicates what ought to be a simple, sad day. My goal today is clear: Trust God in my sadness, elevate him in my down-ness, to be at home in the state I find myself. And, of course, to look for the door that will lead out of this room quite naturally when it’s time.

Now, I’ll have to watch for other emotions and temptations lurking around me: self pity, trash-talking thoughts, grumpiness, and defensiveness. So far, none of these have found their way into my heart and mind.

You can pray for me. That would be nice. But don’t pray that I won’t be sad anymore. Pray that I’ll be faithful. That God will get glory out of me no matter how I feel. That I’ll look to him, enjoy him, and serve him with all my heart.

But right now, I’m tired and sad…

Here, I said it. I want to scream. I want to cry, what am I saying? ...I'm already crying, can't stop crying. Feel like I need to throw up.

I’m tired of being tired.

I’m tired of being angry.

I’m tired of being grumpy.

 Just TIRED. Just don't know how much more I want to take.

I have to hold tight to my faith and my God or I will lose everything. I know I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I just have nowhere to go to ramble.